And they lived happily ever after . . .” is how most fairy tales end. In reality, every relationship, no matter how happy, suffers its share of conflict and argument. If it’s going to endure, both partners need to know how to fight fair. Follow these rules for arguments that don’t end in tears—or worse:
- Address issues promptly. Don’t let resentments simmer. If something bothers you, bring it up within a reasonable amount of time (48 hours or so).
- Know what you want. Have a clear goal in mind before you begin discussing the issue. Simply making your partner feel bad isn’t productive or healthy for a relationship.
- Own your feelings. Don’t go on and on about what your partner did. Talk about how you feel about the problem. So-called “I-statements,” like “I feel angry when you don’t listen to me,” tell your partner what the real issue is.
- Treat each other with respect. Refrain from name-calling, accusations, and absolutes like “You always” and “You never.” Keep your voices down, and make an effort to really listen to the other person’s point of view.
- Keep it private. Don’t argue in front of your family, especially your children. If necessary, make an appointment to discuss the issue.
- Don’t let it drag on. Try to set a time limit for resolving the issue. Most arguments shouldn’t last more than 15 minutes. If you need more time, schedule it, or consider working with a marriage therapist.
- Hold hands. If possible, try to hold your partner’s hand while arguing. This simple gesture can help both of you stayed focused on what’s important—the health of your relationship.
Each of the above can be used in issues with co-workers except, of course, for the last one. The key is always working through the issues not working over the other person.
[Article first appeared in the September 2011 issue of Family Times published monthly by Play-a-Round Golf. To receive your own copy, just send your mailing address to starter@playaroundgolf.net.]
